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Is Intimacy Dead?

Aug 16

Written by: Steven Ward
Thursday, August 16, 2012

Is it? I’ve been inspired to write this by some things I happened across on the graph. “The graph” is the new vernacular for the more anachronistic term “online”. I couldn’t help but chime in. One of these things was a seemingly innocuous Facebook status update from a high school friend of mine directed toward his wife, and the other, a rigorous Twitter debate over polyamory, a word unrecognized by Webster’s thesaurus, but defined as “the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.”

I woke up one morning ready to start my day. I already caught up on email while travelling from my bed, to my bathroom, to my kitchen with my phone in tow and sat down at my computer with a coffee in hand ready to do what I always do first thing in the morning, open my web browser and check my social networks. As I read my Facebook newsfeed I came across a status update from an old friend of mine to his wife, “Cant wait to see you tonight for a couple of hours before you leave your boys again :(“. What a cute note to send your wife, but I instantly couldn’t help but feel like a guest in their home who overheard their morning goodbye or a neighbor who found a love note in my yard that blew off the windshield of my buddy’s wife’s car that he left on his way to work. I felt like I had eavesdropped. But I didn’t. I realized he chose to broadcast this to all their friends, family, exes, coworkers, competitors, clients and any other subscriber of theirs to see.

As a Facebook friend, random subscriber and full time love coach I felt compelled to comment. This isn’t just a public display of affection. Although it may seem harmless, he is in fact broadcasting his affection for his wife for everyone in his and her social circles to see. Over time this may naturally and unnecessarily corrode the very foundation of their relationship: the intimacy.

Intimacy=Privacy²

In my opinion without privacy you cannot experience intimacy in the deepest sense of the word. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. To achieve a healthy, happy, long-lasting relationship I absolutely believe you must exclusively share with only one another, your bodies, secrets, desires, fantasies, affections, dreams and other sacred knowledge. This is what makes someone the closest person in your life. It should be this way. It must be this way. There’s nothing wrong with spicing things up but when inviting others into your sanctum becomes a habit or celebrating sexually separately is the norm, you’re only inviting trouble.

I was reinvigorated to write this post when I came across some unfettered proponents of polyamorous love: “participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships.” If there are ongoing third parties to a sexual relationship, or simultaneous sexual relationships are taking place, either consensually by all parties or behind the back of any one, it is impossible to elevate your respect of any lover distinguishably higher than another so long as your sharing yourself with more than one at a time. Nor can you elevate your respect for any one of your lovers higher than you ever could if it were just you and any one of these lovers. For the greatest compliment you could give your love, is by demonstrating that they provide you with all the love you’ll ever need. By default, true intimacy is sharing your most secret personal knowledge and affections with one person above all others.

We are living in an increasingly, increasingly transparent world where we are rarely satisfied and if so, seemingly never fast enough. We are lacking more impulse control than ever before and feel no greater sense of relief than by sharing as much as possible. Thank you social networks, reality TV & text messaging. I used the word increasingly above twice for a reason. Life as we know it is changing exponentially. Growth in almost every aspect of “life” may seem to occur at fixed rates, meaning linearly, but NOW, in more areas than you may have ever imagined it is evolving exponentially. This means the rate of growth itself is growing. Its not I have one dollar today, two dollars tomorrow, three dollars the next day, four dollars the fourth day and five on the fifth. That would be linear growth. Its growth is consistent. That’s no longer what’s happening. Life has gone from one dollar on day one, to two dollars day two, to six dollars day three, to forty-two dollars day four to eighteen hundred and six dollars on day five. Its an increasingly increasing rate. If you save one dollar a day, every day, the growth of your savings would look like the red line in the chart below. But there are many things around us growing exponentially: the human population, economies, computer processing power, Internet traffic, etc. If population growth could be hypothetically represented by the blue line (which would be based on birth rates and mortality rates) then processing power of technology, or in my opinion, growth of innovation in general, would look more like the green line.

A friend of mine recently said to me, “Remember the days when you used to be able to get away with things? Remember when you ran a red light if a cop wasn’t around, that was it. You’d get away with it?” I said, “Yeah, those days are over!” One point I try to reiterate over and over again to everyone I meet both personally and professionally is that life is accelerating. The world around is not only evolving faster, it’s evolving faster AND faster. It’s certainly evolving faster than we are biologically. As simply stated and as illustrated above, change in technology, is outpacing and mandating change in politics, in economies, in societies, in businesses, in families, in relationships, certainly in biology and so very obviously in our thinking.

What’s the point? Well as most of the world around us grows exponentially, even our very population, our way of thinking still grows linearly. A lot of us still would like to find, form and maintain “traditional” relationships built on “traditional values” and I 100% support the traditions of monogamy, commitment, marriage, etc., but we must consciously evolve our way of thinking to preserve these traditions and we must accelerate this process or we will be surpassed by the world around us even faster than we can imagine. Polyamories feel they are evolved. I argue the complete opposite. Although intelligent and strong willed people can construct boundaries in any relationship I feel it is ingrained in our human nature to elevate one lover above all others as the ultimate sign of respect. I support alternative lifestyles, but I just don’t find them as impervious to the shifting sands of social convention as a fully faithful, intimate, monogamous relationship.

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Steve Ward's Blog

39 comment(s) so far...

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve he should have totally kept that between him and his wife. The problem is with all this new social media stuff people feel compelled to want to share the love they have with their spouse to the entire world. That's all good and dandy and it's beautiful to read but I swear it's like igniting a fire to drama.

He could have sent that in a private message. For some reason he wanted you and the rest of his friends to see it and that is a huge red flag to me...Why you putting our business out there? Are you trying to show and prove?

By QpidRox on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

I agree with you completely, Steve. My husband and I are "friends" on Facebook, but we very, VERY rarely write to each other on there. (He posted today that the new pasta sauce I picked up at the store was terrible; I just sent him a link to Vegas hotel room deals we might consider next time we go.) We see each other at home fairly often enough, even though we work opposite shifts. We only text each other if one of us is out and the other needs something picked up, etc. Some people think intimacy is all about sex; it's not. It's about privacy, like you say. Some things just don't need to be shared AT ALL!

I would give you an example using myself and my husband...but that's private. ;)

By Jen Johnson on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

I'm afraid intimacy IS dead! How a relationship works shouldn't be shared outside of the relationship! I went on a double date last weekend with a couple that my boyfriend and I have been friends with for a few years. They were sharing a lot about their intimacy or lack of and even asking us about our experiences with each other so they could compare notes! I think when you take the mystery out of the relationship there is more room for people to attack a couple's weaknesses. People pounce on the chance to destroy others happiness, if you let them.

By Becky B on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve,
I just read your blog and you bring up two very good points. I really enjoyed your take on intimacy=privacy. I personally have never looked at it that way; however, I have never found my self shareing intimate events with others if I respect my partner. Respect comes from love, admiration, and appreciation for each others comfort and trust and now I will add intimacy to that equation.
Next, in the sense of people sharing partners or having multiple lovers, I like you do not judge others by their choices but choose for myself to be committed and locked in to one person. My loyality is very focused and can only be with one soul. I feel that this world is moving to quickly, people don't appreciate how simple life and everything in it needs to be. Why make it more complicated and more dramatic for entertainment? That is what we have Hollywood and reality T.V. for!
This is the first time I have read your blog. I have however watched Tough Love often. I once sent you a message on how your show harshly made me realize who I was, who I pretended to be, and more importantly who I really am. I am now married and choose the simple pleasures in life with my one love and our kids!
Thank you for sharing your blog and I look forward to reading more.
Truly,
Laura Koltiska

By Laura Koltiska on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve,

Solid,

I can only relate to a long relationship that recently ended for me. Before the split there was barely any intimacy not due a lack of attraction however due to consistent distractions. For instance, if she stayed over my place and were watching tv both of us would be on our laptops or out to dinner we'd checking our phones. On vacation we would be more concerned with photos for twitter and facebook... me more than her to be honest. It was only after I drove cross country.with my.friend to see him on his cell phone 90% of the time instead of checking out the scenery. Looking back, if i.prob put down the phone, lived in the moment... the level of intamacy between us could of been more profound.

My thought, its dead when you can't focus on someone...

Thanks!

By Daniel Wyher on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve,
I have to say that I believe that intimacy is dead :( I think it starts the minute someone exchanges their cellphone numbers and full names. I think before the person walks away we cant help ourselves but to cyber -stalk all the social networks to find out the details. By the time we finish snooping we already know about their eating/drinking habits, where they traveled to, family, interests likes and hates. Then we wait around to hear from this person via text message where we abbreviate majority of our actual words instead of picking up the phone to speak to this person or arrange to meet someone where you can discuss things in more detail. We are becoming a society that is just flat out lazy when it comes to intimacy all it takes is for someone to change their relationship status on facebook and you hear from people you havent seen or spoke to since high school. Personally, if I had it my way, I'd like a man to CALL me on the phone at least four or five times before I accept a date etc, maybe get picked up for the date, maybe compliments about my dress or hair instead of waiting to comment on a picture of me that I posted laying on the beach two summers ago!! Its unfortunate that beyond intimacy, romance is dead in general. I believe some people try to change it but eventually give in because the battle is lost at "hello". I think its humorous that people complain about intimacy / romance when the last time they communicated, showed appreciation, or talked about their problems within the relationships was via a social network, so everyone else but their significant other, comments and gives advice and somehow that makes people feel better.

By Sarah on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve, I LOVED this blog! It is unbelievable to me how much information is shared via social media that should remain private (and this is NOT my being a prude; there are just some things that the world doesn't need to be privy to).

I do not think that intimacy is dead-- I just feel you have to find the right person who understands the importance of loving one above all others. I think that this comes with a certain level of maturity that many are lacking. Needing validation via social networks is juvenile (opinion). People who broadcast that kind of thing are looking for approval from all the Aron places. Who cares if your friends "LIKE" that you left your wife a love note on her Facebook wall? What you SHOULD care about is how your wife feels-- and would a hand-written sticky note on the bathroom mirror been 20x more meaningful?

Thanks, Steve. I always love your advice, appreciate your opinions and respect your honesty.

By Brittany on Thursday, August 16, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve,

I you make some very good points regarding intimacy. I might be one of the only ones who believes this and there may be a back lash if I say it .. but I'll say it anyway. I think that social media sites can help bring people together and help intimacy. I met my husband on a social media site. We shared emails and calls for months and months before we ever met. We became friends and shared personal memories, laughed and were just open about what we wanted. If there wasn't a social media site, then we would of never met. I was in Southern California and he was in Northern California. It allowed us to meet and build a friendship that evolved into a marriage. We have 2 beautiful children and have been married 8 years, plans to renew our vows on our 10 year anniversary. I am proof that you can have a relationship that has intimacy and is long lasting, even though it was built on emails, calls and social media. Intimacy is not dead ... it's just evolved to fit the ever changing world we live in now.

By Nikki on Friday, August 17, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Now I'm in love with you. Lol. Great blog and point. I would never even post my status on FB. I turned down a FB date once by telling the guy I had a boyfriend and he wrote back in all caps "but your FB says you"re single!!!!". That's when I removed that from public view.

I saw that an ex joined FB a few months ago (I'm friends with his sister) seemingly only to post that he is "in a relationship" and it connects with his girlfriend who I suspect is much younger. He's 51 years old. No picture. No posts. Only a handful of friends. But that relationship status is prominent!

Then they broke up for a few weeks, even I friended each other, then got back together, it seems. Why anyone would put this on FB is beyond my comprehension and frankly makes me uncomfortable to know that information. I don't know why anyone would talk to their partner at all on FB. Certainly u can call or text them.

By Ann on Friday, August 17, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

It was a pleasure to read something so intelligent I could hardly add to it. The sharing of some limited intimacy is cool so others of less imagination can copy!! I appreciate variety!!
Intimacy is made new every time you engage it over and over again! Personally....I LOVE alot of intimacy-makes me feel soooo special- I live for it! There are MANY other special reasons to stay special with just ONE person-exploring them is just the surface of FUN! ;)
Thanks for the sound minded info...Ur a Doll !! =)

By Maryann Marano on Friday, August 17, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Steve,

Until I read your blog and the comments that followed, my answer to your question would have been yes, intimacy is dead but now I know it's not. As a single person, it is VERY difficult to find a date with 'old fashioned' morals and values when it comes to intimacy and romance but now I see that there are more of us than I thought.

I too believe that privacy is one of the most important elements of intimacy. There's nothing like being in a room full of people knowing that I'm the only one who knows what we did... or said... I don't want to be with anyone who can't keep their mouth shut. If you can't have privacy in your relationship, how could you have intimacy or for that matter, trust? They all work together and that's what makes it special.

By DJ on Saturday, August 18, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

I definitely agree that somethings do need to be kept private and initimate in the other hand I feel its interest to show the world how you feel about your S.O. within reason.

By Cris on Sunday, August 19, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

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By vicky on Sunday, November 04, 2012

Re: Is Intimacy Dead?

Yes the world is changing in every way and everyone wants to keep up! These days the mindset people have has obviously changed and of course it will continue to while life changes. What I've witnessed is the degradation of self respect, integrity, and standards. People don't seem to have boundaries anymore, and it's kind of frightening if you ask me. I recently read this on twitter.. "Nobody appreciates a good girl, until she doesn't give a f*ck anymore". That's terrible to read/to witness, but it appears to be the truth nowadays and to be honest it's disturbing. While the world is changing, I don't want to lower my standards because it's accepted and society is okay with it since people don't care whether you're a good person with morals or a whore, that's sad.

By Mary Monroe on Sunday, November 18, 2012

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