Couples fight. It’s inevitable. You shouldn’t feel like you’re in the wrong relationship just because you fight with your significant other from time to time. Its how you fight, and how often you fight that should determine whether or not you continue a relationship with them.
When you fight for the first time, you really see the other person’s true colors. How temperamental are they? How mature are they? Are they confrontational or passive aggressive? Do they forgive easily? Do they antagonize you? Do they project feelings from their past relationships onto this one? All of these questions are very good ones, but the one that matters most, is do they fight fair?
Here are a few tips to make sure that you don’t let a minor discourse or disagreement derail your relationship.
Keep it private. Even couples that seem like they never fight, still fight. They just do it behind closed doors. The number one rule in a relationship is to respect the boundaries of your relationship. There is nothing more pervasive than gossip and talking behind your partner’s back. And when other people start passing judgment on you, it will only deteriorate your intimacy further. This means that you shouldn’t complain to your friends or bemoan your relationship to others. It also means that you shouldn’t fight in public. No matter what disgruntles you, save it for when you’re in private.
No screaming. It’s easy to lose your temper in an argument, especially when the other person is doing their best to incite you. Yet cooler heads prevail. Do your best to keep your cool, and you’ll make a more compelling argument. When emotions override reasoning however, all defensibility is lost. Also, toning down the volume of your argument also helps you keep it private.
No cursing. Once you start emphasizing your points with curse words the focus becomes more on the emphasis itself rather than the point that’s being made. Cursing evokes emotion, which can cloud judgment. Articulating your point is much more effective. Make an intelligible, formulated argument and the message is communicated clearly. Explain your position and underscore your logic. Don’t resort to irrational behavior.
No threats. Most disagreements end in compromise and conciliation. The phenomenon known as “fight or flight” is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. If someone feels like they are being threatened they are either going to fire back or fly the coop. If you intend to do something as a consequence of the other person’s behavior do not threaten to do something. Explain to the person why you feel like you have no other choice and that if something doesn’t change you will be forced to do what’s in your best interest.
No insults. When you attack the person you are arguing with, rather than focusing on the argument itself you compromise the point you’re making and weaken your position. Its no longer about what occurred or didn’t occur and it becomes more about the argument than what the argument is about. Don’t let the fight metastasize to a schism. You’re only going to degrade the relationship itself if you attack each other instead of the problem.
No quitting. The only thing more disillusioning or disheartening than defeat is dismissing the argument altogether or distancing yourself from your partner. You owe it to each other and your relationship to work through the problem and resolve your differences. When you throw in the towel or resign yourself from the situation you are sending the signal that your heart isn’t in it anymore and the relationship is on its last leg.
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