How To Attract People You're Attracted To

Saturday, November 17, 2012

There have been countless studies and works of literature along with volumes of scientific research into what attracts men and women to one another. Whether a personally satisfactory explanation can be found in evolutionary biology, psychology, anthropology, humanities, spirituality, religion or all of the above really makes no difference, because when it comes to attraction its truly "to each their own".

There are qualities and traits more or less important to everyone looking for love. Some are physical, some intrinsic, some perceived and some, well, downright superficial.

When considering how to attract someone you'd consider attractive you must first disregard what you think makes you attractive and consider what they find attractive. It's easy to guess. It's easier to assume. But there is nothing more telling than first hand accounts from qualified critics; that is, the people you find attractive. What follows are five tips to to be as attractive as you can those you're attracted to.

1. How's my hair?

I once participated in a research study conducted by Pantene about men's feelings toward women's hair. In this study 74% of men indicated that they notice women because of their hair and 44% of men surveyed said that hair is the first thing they notice about a woman. The same study concluded that of the men surveyed (1,000 men) most would be more likely to approach a woman at a bar with great hair than a woman wearing a low cut shirt and 82% of these men indicated that sexy hair is a key element to a woman's overall sex appeal. The cut, color, style, health and manageability of your hair says much more about a person than you'd think.

For thousands of years long hair has been associated with youth, fertility and strength. Does anyone recall the parable of the powerful Samson and the woman he fell in love with, Delilah, who, on a bribe, cuts off his hair to rob him of his strength? Not everyone is blessed with beautiful, flowing locks of hair like Samson but it's important to work with what you have and remember how much your hair says about you. Make sure it is always clean, and when single and looking to attract someone, make sure its well kempt and manageable, otherwise you'd make the person you want to attract think you're unclean, unkempt and unmanageable. Show me a man who appreciates a woman sporting gray hair or hair extensions and I'll show you a woman who appreciates a toupe and ratty beard. They may be out there but they are few and far between.

You may think your hair looks good, but maybe the people you're attracted to don't. Elicit feedback. Ask a few people you're attracted to (whether they're available or not) how they like your hair. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I've been growing out my hair lately. What do you think; y'like it better short or long?"

2. The clothes don't make you. You make the clothes.

Everyone is entitled to their own personal style. In the same survey mentioned above, clothes are the second thing men notice about a woman (after her hair). I read somewhere once; might've been in Cosmo, that after looking at a man's face and feeling a modicum of attractiveness a woman will look at his watch, then his shoes, then his belt and back to his face again. This doesn't mean fellas you have to get yourself a Rolex or a pair of Ferragamo's but at least find a respectable looking timepiece and decent pair of shoes. Don't expect a woman to take you seriously with a kid's watch and beat up sneaks or sandals.

Ladies, this advice applies to you too. If you're single you have to stop dressing for other women and dress to impress the man you're looking to attract. Sure, Christian Louboutin shoes look great with their red soles and all, but most guys can't appreciate a $1,500 pair of shoes or if he does he certainly won't get excited about a woman with such expensive taste. A Steve Madden pair of pumps will do just fine.

3. Be about your body.

Not everyone is as tall, thin, built, fit or firm as they'd like, but you can make the most of what you've got and be at your best. You don't have to be a runway model or a fitness fanatic but you have to appear to live a healthy lifestyle consisting of at least a decent diet and some form of exercise. Yeah ladies, your girlfriends might be jealous of your awesome metabolism because you don't struggle with your weight but if a guy asks you if you workout and you flat out say no, it'll only make him think you're lazy.

4. Actions speak louder than words.

There are many forms of language that don't require the use of words. Body language is one of them. The most attractive quality you can express without words is positivity. And nothing communicates positivity more so than a smile. I find it amusing how often people lose sight of the fact that the only reason we invite others into our lives is out of necessity or utility. In other words, we don't want someone else's baggage and we certainly don't want their negativity. If someone looks happy, it's safe to assume they are happy and what are we all in search for if not happiness? It's not that we should expect others to make us happy. We should expect others to be responsible for their own happiness.

Confidence can also be expressed without words. Posture, poise, and eye contact all convey confidence. It's a critical component to sex appeal. Self-confidence clearly comes from within. To best project confidence think of what you're best at or most adept at doing and take it there.

5. Conversation counts.

Although studies have shown as much as 93% of interpersonal communication is non verbal, a slip of the tongue or the wrong subject could derail your chances of connecting with someone.

Consider this. Once the initial reaction to someone has been digested and your psyche is telling you that you are at least physically attracted to them, now you're no longer looking for reasons to like them, you're looking for reasons not to. The door swings both ways so keep that in mind when a conversation ensues with a person of interest that eclipses the 5 minute mark. A person will begin to assess your intelligence, ability to communicate, values, agenda, attitudes and potential before you even know it. Don't be out of school. Find a way to discuss things you have at least some knowledge of and that won't offend, detract or dissuade someone from possibly being interested in you.

Keep these tips in mind and put your best foot forward at all times. Forget what you want, consider what they want. Don't pretend to be someone else though, just be your best self.

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Joann Ward has over 30 years of experience in the dating service industry. Along with her son, CEO Steve Ward they became internationally known as the Hosts and Executive Producers of VH1 Tough Love

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